I often experience a struggle within myself regarding when I should speak and when I should just be. I know that at all times I should BE Christ's love to other people and that sometimes I should speak this love to them as well. However, I also know that quite honestly I like to hear myself talk and arrogantly pride myself on how smart I am and Oh My, what a good Christian I am, so that not always are the "words of love" from the Holy Spirit. God revealed this fault to me in a way that is still tearing at me.

Let me provide the context. Tuesday nights the Bible study at our center is completely in English and on Friday nights, it is offered in Chinese so that those attending are able to hear God's word in their own language and grow in faith. One lady that has been attending our center for three years now, stopped going to the Friday night Bible study when it began to be offered in Chinese (although she religiously makes it for the Tuesday night Bible study). She came this past Friday night.

Wanting to know what effect hearing God's word in her own language had on her, I struck up a conversation with her. We talked about doubts and having questions and many other things that have been the topic of our conversations before. Nearing the end of our conversation, she shared with me that she did not believe yet, to which I just nodded. Her next question was, "Do you mind?" I was confused. Of course I minded that she is not a Christian. If I did not care whether she was a Christian, then I would not be standing here talking to her. She knows these things. These were my thoughts to myself. And then I realized her meaning. It was not "Do I mind that she is not a Christian", it was "Do I Care"? Do I still care about HER even though she does not believe? That is what she meant. I am still reeling from this. How do I answer that? Words certainly are worthless at this point. I can say yes, but obviously if she feels the need to ask that question, then my actions have belied any words that I have said to this point. Even as I am typing this, I can feel something in me that seeks to make this thing that I have done appear less than it is.

However, I am not going tell this story and then try to make it look not quite so bad by saying that "we Christians do this" and "we as Christians do that", I am offering up my own personal sin and consequent failings as a servant of Christ. I have failed. I have turned the grace that God has given us into works. I have emptied the my work of the power of the Holy Spirit by trying to do it on my own.

In keeping with the season of lent, I pray to God that this part of myself may be what I give up. And this too, I cannot do alone.